This Just In - Local Ant News Bulletin (Broadcast Date: June 5, 2010)

Ant hills around the nation are raising awareness of a new danger triggering an old familiar fear. After the Big Wheel Epidemic of ‘81, the Magnifying Glass Massacre of ‘93, and the more recent 2008 Water Balloon Bombings, ants everywhere are now bracing themselves against a new threat:

Incredibly fat human toddlers.

A fatal incident occurred last week when a small ant community living under the Northside Park swing set was entirely crushed as a child jumped onto a swing and snapped the chain. Officials have announced there are so far no survivors and it could take weeks to identify those individuals not wearing their lifting licenses at the time the tragedy took place. They are survived by a colony of red cousins living under the Northside slide, and their exoskeletons. Rallies involving picnic marches are on the rise and demonstrations on top of ice cream cones are being held all across the country as the Toddler Terror of 2010 ignites panic everywhere.

More at eleven.

 
 Nathan J. Reid

Nathan J. Reid

Nathan J. Reid is a member of WFOP, former competitor for Madison’s 2015 National Poetry Slam Team, and former senior editor for UW-Oshkosh’s Wisconsin Review. His poems have appeared in several journals and his chapbook, Thoughts on Tonight, was published in 2017 by Finishing Line Press. Learn more at nathanjreid.com.